Tag Archives: love letter

I failed you and what could have been ours

Romance doesn’t exist in the moment.  It’s something that is perceived later on.  Looking back on memories and times shared together that have long since passed, you reflect on your interactions; the smiles, the surroundings, the way the light bounces off of someone and draws your vision to the lines of their body and their soul.  Romance is looking back at these moments and remembering fondly that your heart was somewhere other than your chest.  It was in the air, breathing in the hope and the possibility, only to ever exhale when you find yourself looking back; respiring life into your memories and surrounding them in a fog of adoration.

I’m sorry that I failed you.  I’m sorry that my romance has been your complacency.  I’m sorry that time has passed you by and the memories have forgone your heart.

I wish that I had been someone more for you.  Someone who had laid with you and contemplated, swam with you and discovered, walked with you and remembered.  I wish that your memories of me echoed the romance that mine do of you.  I wish that our time spent together hadn’t been spent so in vain.

I’m sorry that it made you feel bad seeing me so tense.  No more confidence.  What that must have done to your vision of us as one.  Me; your responsibility and your sadness.  And I was weak in mind and spirit.  Never trusting myself to be capable of maintaining your brilliance.  I see how the light of my romance was dusk unto your sense of hope and possibility.

I’m sorry that I failed you and what could have been ours.  My worth–a song of broken harmony to bide the luster of our memory–not forgotten, but denied exaltation in a lost fantasy that I could never fashion into your being.

Advertisements

Friday, August 24th

The more I think about you, when you are not around, I get distressed and worried ‘cause my heart now makes a sound.

I told you that I loved you, and at once that meant I’m scared.  But these days it bears a truth that I know we always shared.

I want to be my very best, both for you and even me.  I want to spend forever just dying to make you see.

I love you doesn’t cut it in this heart, this mind, this soul.  The kind of passion I feel for you?  Unrivalled, bears no toll.

I want to spend my days with you, doing all I can, to make you see I need you and know you are my man.

See swimming, food, the gym, they do not frighten me.  They are not moral challenges, but chances, with you I’d be.

I want to rest with windows open and be patient while you sleep.  I want to watch you in your dreams and not worry ‘bout what you keep.

I want to be your everything, right down to every minute.  I want to see you smile and know that I’m the one who did it.

I want to lay in bed with you and forever kiss goodnight.  Tell you that I love you, if it will ever make it right.

There’s a life we haven’t lived together, we haven’t had a chance.  The stars at night, they tell me, that it should never end, this beautiful romance.

—————————————————————

xxxxx,

I can’t help but reflect on everything we’ve been through this past year.  Every memory I have of you is brilliant.  There’s no simpler way to put it, and no real way to show you how much I mean it.  You are my best friend.  I have shared everything that I am with you.  Everything you’ve done or said to me has been the most valuable moment in my life, all at once.  I can’t even begin to elaborate how much truth is in that statement.  Your friendship and your heart have been the most precious things I have ever held in my life, and I regret everyday that I’ve found myself in a place where they are not mine anymore.

You are everything that I’ve ever needed.  I still believe fate brought us together for a reason, and saying goodbye forever cannot be it.  I am not afraid anymore–of you, of my feelings, or of life.  When I think about sharing a place in your world, I can’t even imagine where such fears would come from.

We’ve both made mistakes, and this is one I am trying to right.  I can be strong enough for the both of us, I can accommodate your feelings in any way they need if you’ll just listen to your heart.  There is nothing to fear, and there will never be another regret.  I need to know if I can’t be your everything, and I know deep down you want to know that too.  Taking this chance bears no risk.  You are safe and loved with me.

Give me this chance.

With love and all that is greater.

xxxxx

Dear xxxxx,

I suppose this is goodbye.  Well, maybe.  To be frank, a part of me will always be waiting for you.  I will always love you and I will always forgive you, no matter how much you have hurt me.

You see, you were much more than a boyfriend to me–you were family.  I admired you and respected you.  I fought with you, I nagged at you, I pushed you and I hurt you.  But I did it because I love you.  I did it because you were absolutely everything to me.  You were and always are at the forefront of my mind.  I am always worried for you and wondering what you’re thinking and why you do the things you do.  All I ever wanted from you was to let me be a part of your life.  That is the only thing I couldn’t accept, and rather than supporting you and always letting you know I loved you, I ended up pushing just a little too far.  It’s what I do with those I love.  I don’t always have a boundary for my feelings.

I hate not knowing.  I hate not knowing what caused this.  I hate how I feel like this is my fault–that I took the most amazing thing that ever happened in my life and turned it sour.  I hate not knowing if you’re just a terrible person for doing what you’ve done to me these past few months, or if you genuinely love me and struggle with what has happened as well.

I wish it would be the latter.  I wish you would let me work with that.  I wish you could know how much I just want to tell you I love you every night again.  How much I want to lay in your arms and get a good night’s sleep again, just to be honoured with the sight of your peaceful face in the shadows of the morning sun.  I wish you could see how much I had integrated you into my life.  How much I’ve made your memory and your love a lasting routine.  It truly destroys me knowing that I can’t live for you anymore.  I don’t get another chance to be what you really need in life.

I wonder if you anticipate how much I hurt when you tell me what you do with your new relationship.  I wonder what you think before telling me that you two haven’t connected like we have, and that you miss us.  I wonder if you realize how much I physically hurt hearing from you the very things I cry thinking about every day.  And you still love me.  You won’t go so far as to reject me entirely.  You can’t let me go but you won’t love me back.  I wonder if you know exactly how hard this is for me.  To be in a position where I myself finally need to say goodbye to you so that I can try and find new meaning in my life.

And by new meaning, I mean new purpose.  I’ve tried moving on emotionally, but I find that I simply can’t.  When I’m with another man, I feel guilty.  I see your face in them–your eyes.  I see them look back at me with that want.  And I wretch inside knowing that those were eyes you had for me.  I feel like I betray you.  And I give up.

Perhaps being in love isn’t in the books for me.  Maybe I’m not meant to talk about children and a future with someone.  Maybe I’m not supposed to have someone in my life I’m to depend on.  Maybe I’m just supposed to find my way all by myself–what a bitter realization.  I can’t do these things without you though.

I think that maybe I’m just a one-trick pony.  All the love I will ever know myself to share has already been given to you.  I will never forget my luck to have found someone in this life who I see so much of myself in–who understood me and humoured me and cared for me.  And yet, I will never forgive my misfortune of not having these same feelings returned.

Maybe this is goodbye forever.  Or maybe this is just a goodbye for you.  If moving on is truly what you want to do, then I want you to do just that.  I want you to find the person who makes you feel the way I feel about you, and I want you to be happy.  I feel like a goodbye is all I can offer you at this point… but please know that in my heart, I will never, ever, say goodbye to you.

Though I’ve been bitter and I’ve been resentful, I forgive you and I love you.  I hope you can find the strength to one day be yourself around your family and friends, and give someone that feeling of acceptance and love that I will always envy them for.

Most informal of goodbyes,

–Blue.