Tag Archives: love

What I’ve always wanted

I am almost 22 years old.  I know, I know, that is still so young, but in the eyes of a 22 year old such as myself, I can’t help but notice how much time I’ve wasted since I graduated high school in 2010.

I’ve seen friends go through University, many of which are finishing with the next year.  I’ve seen classmates get married and have a child, some of them even two children by now!  I have seen happiness, and successes, and travels… and I have seen them all through the screen of my laptop.

I deleted my Facebook account about 6 months ago because I was sick of comparing my reality and my happiness to others.

I remember when I was still in high school, all I ever thought I wanted for myself was a husband who would love me and children I could raise and love.  But that was never enough for anybody.  All I ever heard was that I’m stupid to think I can rely on that kind of future, and that it will never happen for someone like me.  And maybe that’s true, I thought.  So eventually I guess I just let that fantasy go.  After all, it was just a fantasy.  I moved to the city and enrolled in University for a year.  Of course it never lasted, as I wasn’t happy going to school and felt aimless as I didn’t know what path I wanted to pursue.

But today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about what I wanted again.  And once again, I thought to myself that I just want to nest.

I want to build a home.  I want to kiss someone special in the morning and send them on their way.  I want to rouse his children from their beds and make their every morning special.  I want to spend my day alone, exercising, cleaning, baking–nesting.  I want to welcome a beautiful family home to their paradise every day.  Let them know I love them and embrace the knowledge that I have people to love me back.

I don’t want a lot.  I just want that.  And it’s easy for people to persuade me into believing that that is just me being lazy and wanting someone to take care of me, but I really don’t think that is what this is at all.  In fact, I know that this is what I want because it is me who wants to take care of someone.  Maybe it’s a simple dream and maybe I should expect more from myself, but this is how I picture myself when I’m at my happiest.  At home.  A home that I made for people that I love.

Learned Patience

I am very high-strung.  Very.

And having kittens has really brought out the worst in me in that regard.  I grew up with the most well-behaved dog–I had no idea what I was getting into when I got my girls!!

My one girl in particular, Elly.  She hasn’t been herself for a few months now, and it has caused me more stress than anything.  And in the midst of it all, I’ve really learned how to be patient with her.

Elly has always been the worst for knocking over my water glass.  And even though my other cat is a pain in the ass when it comes to knocking over lamps, spilled water just always ruffled my feathers so much more.  Wasted paper towel, water in my laptop and on other electronics, the way she’d run away with her tail held high and her head held higher.  It drove me absolutely mad.  I would just get so angry with her, and both she and I would always be upset after.  I don’t like screaming anymore than she likes being screamed at, I’m sure.

Since she’s become sick, I have learned to become so patient with her.  When she first lost interest in eating, being with her and encouraging her to eat was a really trying experience.  But since she was so sick, I knew I couldn’t get mad at her no matter how frustrated I was, because she needed to eat and that had to be my main focus.

Over time, patience really became something learned between her and I.  I feel so much more bonded to her now.  Having feared losing her every day for so long has really pulled me out of my depression and made me appreciate her for the loving girl she has been to me.  I have consistently failed to recognize that I got my cats because I was lonely, yet I haven’t even let them fill that void since I brought them home.  I spent so much time becoming frustrated for spilled water and broken possessions, that I never let myself enjoy the experience of kittenhood.  And even though they are almost 2 now, I know that Elly being sick has taught me incredible patience and resilience for a happy and healthy future shared between the three of us.

I am so happy to have these girls in my life.  And even though I’ve been all too consumed in trying to make them feel better, I am grateful for the opportunity to have learned this patience as a means of bringing love and happiness into my home instead of anger and continued loneliness.

#KittyCrazy

Love as leverage

I’m sorry that I brought love into our relationship.  And I’m not being sarcastic or self-pitying.  I am truly sorry I made love a factor in your being with me.

I remember when you first said “I love you” to me.  I could tell that it wasn’t something you meant or wanted to say.  I never let myself believe it or think it out loud though, because I knew there would be too much regret on my behalf if I had.

We were spending the weekend at your house, and very late at night we decided we were ready to take our relationship to the next step.  We were intimate, or at least moving along swiftly towards breaking that boundary.  And that’s when I doubted myself and made the biggest mistake of my life.  I told you that I’m not sure we should continue if we do not love each other.  You would have been my first, and having love tied to that was important to me.

I remember that you were very off-put.  A little startled that I’d interrupted what we were doing to bring up such a dangerous subject.  You jokingly said you “lub” me, or you “luff” me, but my innocence was prudent.  I know that you reluctantly said you “love” me just so you could be with me in that moment.  You knew it, I knew it, but we never talked about it.  I am sorry for that.  I should have either went for it or stood firm.  I shouldn’t have been coy and encouraged you to say those three words before I would participate in something I initiated in the first place.

I seduced you that night.  I seduced you into your bed, into my heart, and into my fantasy.  And ultimately I’m paying the price because of it.

I know you never loved me.  It was so silly of me to build such a mountain from your morsel.

In the end though, I do hope you know and accept that I truly loved you.  Because all of my nonsense aside, you too had the power to spare me this painful reality.  This truth I’ve come to live by where love is used as leverage, and unrequited thusly.

“My love, my lobster”

I remember when I first met you.  We were in the 8th grade, and there was just something about you that took me by storm.  Very few people penetrate the boundaries I place myself within, but you were destined to be of that few.

I don’t know what it was.  The notion that you looked liked Amanda Bynes, the way you walked and stood pigeon-toed, the faint remains of purple dye in your hair that was craftily done up and held in place with two pencils–you were just interesting to me in every way!

At the time when we first met, I still was unsure about where my interests sat in regards to sexual preferences.  I remember thinking to myself that maybe you could be someone I would fall in love with, and to be honest with you, I do really think that under different circumstances, that could have been viable!  I am sorry that life chose a different path for me.

What I inevitably lacked in physical interest was more than made up for in emotional interest, however.  For as long as I’ve known you, I have been emotionally and mentally invested in you.  I think about you constantly, I think about things I’d rather be doing with you than doing alone, and for every boyfriend you’ve had (or rekindled romance with Paul!!) I’ve been resiliently bitter and jealous, sometimes to the point of abusing your trust in our friendship and turning my back on you…  I was so stupid sometimes.

Over the years, I’ve really learned to open up to you and your family more than all other people.  I’ve come to fall in love with you in my own way, and appreciate my place within your world and treasure your place within mine.  Some of the only good in my life that I know how to value right now are memories with you.  Train track walks, river valley treks, hours upon hours of phone calls and video games, talking way past our bed times (not that either of us have really ever abided by a formal “bed time”), and just spending every moment with you and feeling as though it were an adventure.  Yes, even the moments where we can’t decide what to do and settle for junk food and Cosmo!

And today?  I miss you.  A lot lately I have missed you.  I understand that we are older know, and you have found a more appropriate person to invest the kind of love you had for me in, but I sense that we have grown apart in the long run.

Perhaps it is my fault.  I am very sad in my life right now, and am not very confident in my ability to remain interesting to people.  I have been reluctant to reach out to you.  I know ultimately it’s not really anyone’s fault though… our lives are just turning two different chapters in this book of friendship.  I hope we find ourselves on the same page again soon.

I can’t express to you enough that you will always be my very best friend, and no matter where life and time takes us, for you I will always be here waiting.  Our friendship has seen many ups and downs over the years, and because of that I know that I can always depend on it to stand rock solid.

You’re my rock, hun.  And I’ll always be your lobster.

He who was born into love…

You are truly a lucky person.  You have been my unspoken idol for as long as I can remember.  I will regret admitting this to myself.

But this isn’t about how envious I am of you.  This is about the rest of your life–the life you will live and love.  Your life is perfect in every way, despite every obstacle.  Despite every flaw of character and every turn of luck, you always come out on top, and I admire that about you.

You were born into love.  Maybe you haven’t always seen it, and you seem to never recall it, but this is what I know to be true.  Because even though I can’t speak for our parents, who conceived you–their first born son–out of the love they shared for each other, and even though I can’t speak for our sister, who is like you in many ways through the way she connects and responds to you and to life… I can speak for myself.  I love you.

I love that you are selfish and oft times think of no one but yourself.  This allows you to pursue your every whim and seek validation from no one.

I love that you are brash and pushy and force your way.  This allows you achieve many things, or try again harder for the times that you fail.

I love that you are frivolous and unconcerned with risks and rewards.  This allows you to push boundaries within yourself and set your own standard.

Even through your faults you become stronger.  You learn to find yourself and love yourself and those close to you have followed your lead.  In the end, you have found yourself within a world of compassion and acceptance.

Because of the love that you have found, and because of the capacity to love that you were born with, I know that your life will always outshine mine.  I am okay with that, and I anticipate your continued happiness always, because in spite of everything, it is you I will forever find myself looking up to.

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 — The next day of the rest of my life.

It has been one year since you left me.

My day has gone better than I’d expected.  I’ve been busy though, so maybe it’s just been a distraction.  In the year since you’ve left me, a lot of my better days have been due to distraction.

I’ve been thinking about writing to you on this day for the better part of the year now, and my heart has pulled me in many different directions, but now that the day is here, I’m really at a loss of what to say apart from… you broke me.  You really and truly left my heart and my soul in shambles.  Out of the past 365 days, I have only seen you on a handful of them.  And yet, I have felt the ramnifications of your past decisions throughout every single passing moment.

I am not angry anymore.  I hardly even feel flustered when I think about the opportunities you passed up with me in favour of someone new.  I remember being on the verge of working myself into an episode a couple of weeks ago, but the moment passed, and my day went forth.  That’s not to say I am no longer sad, or burdened.  Of course I am sad.  Your absence from my life will be a burden for as long as I love you, and the kind of love I feel for you never really goes away.  But I am not angry with your decisions anymore.  I am not angry with my current situation anymore.  And I guess that’s really as good as it gets!

I wish that I had the strength to reach out to you again and see what your life looks like today.  If I’d known back then what I know now however, I would have never been in touch with you at all since the day you left me.  I’m not over you, and reintroducing you to my life now would only stand to prove it.

I think I might start writing to you less.  Maybe even altogether.  I’ve run out of things to say to you, really.  It doesn’t help that you do not receive any of these anonymous letters in the first place.  Perhaps someday I will direct you to this site, but then I realize that’s not doing either of us any good.

If I could have done right by you… I think that I would have told you from day one why you could never be my friend–and for reasons so much more than just the pain of seeing you happy without me.  I just know that friendship is something I could never have attained from you after all was said and done.  In some respects, I feel like I never truly was your friend in the first place.  It wasn’t fair to put either of us through the same relationship we’d just been through only to have it sullied by a label far less sacred.

And that’s what my life’s struggle has been this past year.  Coming to terms with what I’ve known all along, but been far too terrified to admit.  I don’t want you in my life.  I didn’t want to prolong what was inevitable.  And now I understand that, no matter what we could have shared, no matter what I feel I missed out on, no matter what that second chance would have created, I would still be alone.  I would still have your back turned towards me.

The very first time I ever saw you, I was closing the door of your car as I tucked my legs inside and laughed at your nervous joke about my height.  The very last time I saw you, you were closing the door to my apartment as your nervous stare disappeared behind the crack of light from the hallway outside.  One thing has never changed in all this time, xxxxx.  I can know everything there is to know about you, and yet still know nothing about you at all.

For the first time, I think this really is goodbye.  The day you left me was the first day of the rest of my life, and today feels something like the second.

Thursday, June 21st

xxxxx,

I have spent the last 5 months with you.  Quite the empty statement, right?  Maybe so.  But we both know that my interpretation of our relationship and our time together has at times lacked in clarity.  What I can say, despite everything—my issues with trust, our subsequent squabbles, the difficulty it takes for me to decipher which of my feelings I should bring to you and which are just me being oversensitive—I truly believe I have fallen for you along the way.  Being here now, knowing that we’re not together… well I just feel broken.  And so confused, more so than anything.  I feel like I’ve just been coming into a safer place with you, and out of nowhere you’re gone.  I really didn’t have any warning; I didn’t get the same courtesy you expected from me.  You told me that whenever I’m unsure, whenever I feel hurt or upset, I need to tell you so we can work it out.  Why didn’t I get to know you were hurting, and stressed, and unsure?  Why didn’t I get the opportunity to tell you that, yes, while I do push the idea of you telling your family, I’m not in a place yet where I can’t find common ground with you.  I was okay with waiting with you.

Take a look at my life.  Before you, I never really went anywhere.  I’m comfortable being cooped up.  I was happy, variably at worst.  I was happy laying with you, watching movies, letting you show me shows you liked, and just talking about anything.  I know I’ve been upset by you.  I know that I did expect to be able to find more from a relationship than what I do on my own time.  I know that I’d been a miserable fool in making you feel like you owed me anything more than you could offer.  But if we’d just talked and found clarity, if I’d known how much damage I’d done, in a heartbeat I know that having you in my life means infinitely more than having your family and friends in my life.  I would have been prepared to make every effort to back off.

That being said, that effort on my half would have needed to be accompanied by effort on your half too.  An effort that would entail you realizing that trust may not come easy from someone in my position, and making accommodations thusly.  A relationship takes effort.  Especially a relationship like ours.  As of recent, I guess I’ve learned that maybe you’re not prepared to make that effort.  Or maybe I misunderstood that.  The purpose of me writing this letter is for me to make sense of where I’m at and try really hard to not put words in your mouth.

I guess what I need from you, if not a loving companion, is honest answers.  I really, truly need to know where your head is at—no secrets.  I need to know if you really love me, and if you really intend to just “sort your life out and find a place where you can be someone I deserve”, as you put it.  Conversely, I need to know if that was bullshit.  I’m not accusing you, I’m just making sure one final time that you’re sure about how you feel, and that those feelings were the ones relayed to me the other night.  You left me so confused.  I don’t know what we are right now.  You say you truly love me and you hope to be with me again when you’re ready, but as simple as that sounds, I have no idea what that means.  Are we “broken up”?  Are we “on a break”?  And do either of those make the difference of continued loyalty and commitment between us despite the circumstances?  Or does it mean, given the opportunity, you will date other men or women?  This is something I seriously need to know, and I need you to know that no matter what emotion I attach to either answer, the truth is the answer that’s best for me, and you know it, and you know I deserve it.

Regardless, I do want you to remember that I love you, enough so that I will try and wait for you until you’re ready for whatever it is you’re searching for in this decision.  With this promise also comes the expectation that I’m not waiting on something you never meant in the first place.  Again, I am not accusing you.  But if you want to wait for me too, tell me.  If you have no intention to, by gosh tell me so I can pick myself up and move on.  And most importantly, if you don’t know, let me now.  Because if you don’t know whether you love me or want to be with me, I would hope you at least take this time apart from me, and take it without the accompaniment of new relationships.  Take your time if you’re not sure, and figure out if I’m someone you want to take a chance with before you blow your chance with me.

And finally, know that I can’t wait around forever.  It was one thing to wait for you while you were with me, but I can only wait for you for so long while apart.  If everything you’ve told me is true—that you love me, still want to be my lover, and still want to be with me as we were someday—than I can try striving for friendship with you in the meantime, given you truly don’t want me out of your life.  But I just need so many answers from you, and I truly hope you respect me enough to give me the real answers, regardless of any fears you have of hurting me.

I don’t know where to go from here, I suppose it’s your turn.  No matter how this ends up, even if I may be upset in the moment, I’m writing in perfect clarity right now that I love you and hope the best for you in everything in life.  And I really do hope you can own up to your feelings and strive for an open and honest relationship with your family and friends someday; maybe then you can find the trust you seek from a relationship.

I love you and appreciate your giving me this opportunity and your complete honesty;

-Blue