Tag Archives: music

Note to self:

I wasn’t aware it’s been over a year now since I’ve posted anything here. I haven’t felt inspired to write for quite some time.  And even though things have been hard for me, instead I’d like to write about someone else’s struggle.  I’m sure I will never truly know why things happened the way they did, but on some level I am deeply sympathetic to Park Bom, and 2NE1’s disbandment makes perfect sense to me.

News of Bom’s “drug scandal” (not what I’d call it, but what I think doesn’t matter in context) changed things forever for 2NE1. The criticism from people was unreal, and given the drug she had brought into the country was an anti-depressant, it’s obvious she was already in a vulnerable state of mind.  The group was put on hiatus, and eventually Minzy left the group entirely to pursue her own interests.  To think of what it felt like for Bom at this time is much like taking a look at my own life.  How could she not blame herself for this?  The whole world was looking for someone to accept responsibility, and well-intentioned or not, the things people were saying were destructive.  Destructive to her and her heart.

I know this because I’ve been there. Every day I combat my own feelings of my mistakes and my shortcomings, and I’m sure Bom does too.  But other people’s opinions weigh heavily on our minds, and even things that are said in support of us will sometimes have just the opposite effect.

It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault that 2NE1 broke up. Maybe it was CL’s fault, and YG’s too. Their favoring her marketing and solo debut detracted too much from everyone else and made disbandment the easiest option.  Maybe it was Minzy’s fault.  Being impatient and unsupportive and wanting to distance herself.  Or maybe it’s our faults; Blackjacks and society in general.  Maybe life happened, and 2NE1 suddenly found themselves at different places emotionally.  Can we blame CL for having incredible potential?  Can we blame YG for helping her and focusing on her while the group is on hiatus?  Can we blame Minzy for being driven and not wanting to waste another moment she could be using to invest in herself and her future?  We can, but all the while Bom is listening and her heart is hurting, because at the root of all the blame is someone who feels there is no one to blame but herself.

YG has stated Bom was 2NE1’s undoing, and on the surface perhaps this is true. But maybe instead of blaming her or anyone else involved, we should just be accepting.  Accepting of 3 young women (shout out to Dara!) who are ready to face the world and make themselves proud.  And accepting of another young woman who has faced more criticism than anyone ever should, and recognize that her flaws are our own.  Does anyone know how this makes her feel?

We all make mistakes. We all feel inadequate.  We all feel flawed.

We are all Park Bom.

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What is it that I want?

I wish I could ask myself this in a perfect world.  A world where I wasn’t deterred by standards of loved ones.  A world where money and security was of no object.  A world where my carefree spirit could live boundless–free from my debilitating realm of thought and reason.

I get asked by so many people around me–at work and at home–what I am going to school for?  When am I going to school?

I don’t know what to tell them.  I wish I could tell them that I’ve spent my whole life holding myself back, and until I learn to find myself and embrace the things that I want to do, I will never know what I want to be.

It sounds silly, I know.  I tried explaining to my mom the other day how I felt.  She asked, “Well, what do you want to do?

Violin, I guess.  I’ve always wanted to learn to play the violin.  I always see myself standing stoically, fiddling at the strings of my heart.  There’s something spiritual about it for me.  I feel music is a link to the soul.  I want to explore my soul.

I want to ride horses.  I’ve always had somewhat of a fear of riding.  But I want to wear riding gear and bond with a horse and learn to overcome things together with her.  Jumping and trotting and never being afraid of falling.  I will trust her strength and her ability and she will trust my judgement and my cunning.  A pseudo-relationship, if you will.  I want something to have faith in and find escape.  Something to rebuild my confidence.

I want to be elegant.  I want to be refined, but mysterious.  I don’t mind being reserved and lonely sometimes.  I like to think I have the personality of an artist!  But I want to go to social forums and have people look at me and wonder where someone like me has been hiding.  Wonder what kind of secrets my heart holds.  Wonder what my life is like.  And?  I want to have the answers.

I want to know myself better.  To know what aspects of life and creativity and culture mesh with me.  I want to live life by knowing what I want and going for it.

I live my life in hiding; fearful of people thinking that I am wasting my time.  But in the end, what am I doing as a result?