Tag Archives: needs

When somebody loved me…

I don’t know why.  I don’t know why I find this kind of stuff.  But this song is everything I feel, and I feel like I needed to share it with you.

This week has just been awful.  It all started a week ago today.  I guess since it’s passed midnight though, a week ago yesterday.

I remember it like it was a week ago yesterday–

I was having a bad day.  I’d been thinking about you a lot over the past couple days.  Everything was just building.  My best friend at work was going through a lot of stuff with a boy too, and I guess our lives just touched eachother that way.

We both came in to visit our other friend.  I guess we didn’t want to be all alone that night.  We brought her supper and gossiped and had a good time on her break, and even after her break.  I feel so much at home there.  I always wish we were still together, and you would come in and kiss me and smile at me like all my coworker’s boyfriends do.

You texted me later that night.  It was so weird.  And shocking.  I didn’t really know what to do or say, so my coworker and I went outside and threw snowballs at the street sign for awhile.  It helped her burn off stress a lot more than it helped me.

When I finally decided to text you back, things were pretty normal.  You were being defensive and saying I was accusing you of lying and wanting to get back together with me.  I truly was confused, and felt like you were curious about lingering feelings left behind.  I feel like that’s a reasonable fear though.  How many other exes go out of their way to get back in touch every couple of months?  Not to mention the fact we almost had sex when things got carried away after seeing eachother again early in the fall.  When you were already dating someone new…

I’m glad I conviced you to keep in touch again this time.  I’m glad I saw you again.  I’m glad I had a real conversation with you again, for the first time since before you left me.  And now I finally know what is going on.

All this time.  All this time you made me feel like I was bad for you.  Like I let you down.  Like I made mistakes and hurt you.  All this time I’ve tried to change for you, and I’ve cried for you, and I’ve wanted a second chance with you.  All this time you knew what was really up, and you never bothered to give me the honest truth.

I don’t know how you can love someone, and know that you’re a perfect fit, and be able to talk and enjoy eachother’s company for hours, and yet still need to have fun and sleep with other people.  How do you even tell me that sleeping with your new partner isn’t as meaningful or good as it was with me?  How do you expect that that makes me feel better about everything?  How do you possibly sleep with another person who you don’t love or connect with when someone you do love and connect with has been waiting for you all along to come back?

You’re cruel.  You even go so far as to text me the next night saying that you can’t sleep because you’re thinking about me and how much you miss me and want me there with you.  And then when I try and reach out to your feelings, you abruptly tell me you’re not attracted to me anymore and were only with me when you felt I needed you.

To think, that you think our relationship was ever about what I needed.  It was always about what you needed.  You needed strength and security in someone’s feelings for you.  You needed to feel validated.  You needed to feel important.  I tried giving you everything you needed, and I only became selfish when I needed you to let me be a part of your life.  That is all I needed.  All I ever needed from you was to be acknowledged as someone important to you.

This is crazy, that I keep loving you after how reckless you are with my feelings.  You care so little about the way your words affect me.  They destroy me.

All I have left of the you I fell in love with is memories.  All my pictures are gone.  I can’t listen to our song anymore.  I can’t feel your heart anymore.

When I used to lay on your chest, in your arms, everything made sense.  Nothing mattered to me about how little I felt you were letting me be involved in your life, because you were still holding me close to it.

When we used to cuddle in bed or on the couch and do nothing but talk all day and night, I felt safe.  I felt like I found myself in someone, and that we would grow in eachother’s strength and weakness forever.

When I used to kiss your lips, I felt purpose.  I would pull away and look at your soft, closed eyes.  Everything else seemed inconsequential, knowing that my kiss made you feel the way it made you feel.  I felt needed.

When I used to smile at you, and see you smiling back, I felt warm.  I felt you understood what every moment with you meant to me.

When I used to look into your eyes, I felt incredible.  I felt like I could glimpse the world though your eyes, even though you never shared it through your lips.

And even when we fought, I felt like someone was passionate enough about me to stand by my anger and my insecurities and be solid ground for my air of emotions.

When you loved me, everything was beautiful.  Every hour spent together lives within my heart.  And I could go on quoting the whole song, but lets not romanticise what is done.  I found love for you in realizing that everything I thought I wanted for myself had fallen short of what I needed to be for you.  And you left me in realizing that everything you thought you needed to be for me had fallen short of what you really wanted for yourself.

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Feelings, wants, and nothing inbetween.

All I want to know is what you know.  Tell me what you know!  Just tell me why all of the sudden I wasn’t what you needed.  What happened that suddenly made me worthless?  And moreover, why do you try so endlessly to replace me?  Why would you do so much to find everything that I am in someone that isn’t me?

What is it that you want me to be right now?  Why won’t you talk to me like you suggested we should?  Should I be upset?  Should I be miserable?  Should I be happy, lonely, cheerful, needy, distant, cold, bitchy?  What emotion are you trying to evoke from me by treating me the way that you do?  Just tell me.

I just want to see our relationship through your eyes.  Even if just for a moment.  I want to see your new relationship through your eyes.  I want to see why everything that has been done has been done the way you’ve done it.  I’m done waiting so anxiously for you.  Are you ever going to answer my feelings?  Do you not feel you owe me an explanation?

I want to know who you are.  I want to know if you’re a bad person, a lost person, or an honest person.  You tell me it’s the latter, and I refuse to believe it’s the former.  I feel like you’re just struggling so much, and I just want to talk everything through with you.

But you have someone new now…  For whatever reason you seem to be far more committed to looking out for their feelings than you ever were for mine.  And that hurts me.

You promised me once that you would never hurt me.  Today is the 146th consecutive day that you have hurt me.

You are hurting me.  Please stop hurting me.

Tell me you love me or set me free.