Tag Archives: new chapter

Searching for a way to find a way

It’s been a couple months since I wrote here, and as usual, I came into this feeling like I had a pretty good idea what I wanted to write about. I don’t think it’s going to work out that way though. My life feels pretty ambiguous lately, and I think my scatterbrained thoughts here won’t deny that.

It’s literally been over 3 years now since I was last in a relationship. And if you think that’s absurd, perhaps even more depressing is that I haven’t even been on a date in over 2 years. “You need to put yourself out there more”, people say. Well, duh. Working 8 hours a day, sleeping 7 hours a day, tending to my cats like 1-2 hours a day and grooming my own personal need to recharge and be alone for all other hours unaccounted for doesn’t necessarily leave a lot of time for love, sex, and friendship.

I am alone. And I think I’m okay with that. But I’m not always so certain. I feel like I put so much pressure on myself to feel like I should be giving myself to the universe and… well, in effect I’m trying to induce feelings that I’ve been coming to recognize as unnatural for me.

“What?” You say?

I love being alone. I really fucking do. Sometimes the world tricks me into thinking otherwise, but in the end I always seem to understand my version of happiness as exploring life and exploring myself all by myself. Maybe I used to dream of getting married someday and having children, maybe I used to think you can’t make it in this life without having someone to depend on 100%, and maybe I understand that these things are totally subject to interest me again someday in the future, but right now I just feel like it’s all a hindrance. It’s all keeping me from really knowing myself.

To be honest, I mourn this as well. I regret that I’m wasting my youth and beauty on being isolative. And this regret contributes to how much I isolate myself in other regards. I’m not pursuing hobbies or interests. In truth, I’m literally doing nothing to explore myself. WHAT A WASTE.

This is why I just feel so damned sad all the time. My lack of confidence in myself holds me back from understanding myself better, and my lack of understanding for myself holds me back from pursuing interpersonal relationships. I feel like I missed a pivotal chapter in my life where I should have been embracing things just for the sake of fulfilling myself and my own expectations. I missed a chapter of mistakes and learning and growing as a result. Holding myself back and feeling undeserving has always come natural to me.

So where do I go from here? How do I discover what I am and become who I am supposed to be?  It sounds silly, but for so long I’ve been searching for a way to find a way to be happy.  And if you think that sounds like I spend a lot of time thinking instead of doing, you’d be right.  I need to do away with the rhetoric.  I need to do.

For whom my knowledge thirsts.

I am a not a people person.  (But that’s not to say that I am not personable).  For my whole life, I have never known myself to be comfortable or entirely invested in getting to know any given individual.  It’s just kind of who I am.  I’m an introvert.  Obviously I have my mom and my sister.  My one best friend whom I met when I was 13 (and even then the level of comfort I have with her now took years to develop).  I have two coworkers that I have bonded with over this past year.  And, well, that’s about it.  Apart from my ex of course, but that’s a little one sided.

My point is, there are very few people in this world who I have met that I just… jive with.  Someone who–for no apparent reason–just captivates me.  Someone I find myself emulating.  Someone I go out of my way to interact with; learn about, ask questions, propose activities to.  Someone whose soul crosses paths with mine just as the proverbial stars fall perfectly in line.

I met someone the other day.

We are training him at our Starbucks, and eventually sending him to another store.  It didn’t take long to find myself very involved in trying to learn more about him.  It has been nice–finding myself interested in something.  Someone, even!

And I’m not fawning over him like this is love at first sight, or anything of the sort.  Sure I am attracted to him, but I am also interested in him as a person, and that’s what makes this unique for me.  So for the past few days I have spent all my time with him at work, prodding him for details of his life and his being.  I want to know him.

So, I gave him my number today.  I am so nervous!!  I tried to do so innocently enough, but I am a bit rusty at reaching out to people at this point in my life.  Today is the last day I will have seen him unless he texts me and we arrange to hang out, and the suspense is killing me!  I don’t know how long is appropriate that I should wait before I start losing hope!

I guess I just wanted to get this out on my blog because it would be nice to open up my life to a new person, and let myself learn and grow under a new friendship.  I’d like to write about my experiences here if I am graced with such an opportunity!

So wish me luck!!  –Blue

Chapter anew.

I still think about you a lot.  Maybe no more than usual.  Certainly no less.

It’s different though, lately.  My thoughts are unclear.  Uncoordinated.  I don’t really know where to place my feelings or what to make of them.  I’m hesitant to really continue feeling anything at all.  We’ve been apart for so long now.  I haven’t seen you for so long.  Everything feels like a blurry dream.  I feel so much like you never even existed.

Every day we grow further and further apart.  My heart is still in this for you, but I can’t feel yours anymore.  I don’t feel any remnants of a connection with you.  I’m not idealizing your thoughts or rationalizing your actions.  You are missing.

I know that I miss you.  I know that I want to find some part of you in this world again.  But…

I fear that the innocence we shared will never return, even if someday you do.  I can’t continue to allow myself to wait for something that has faded into memory.  You have forgotten me, as time has told me, and now I choose to pursue the same path.

I will forget you too someday.  I’ve learned too much about myself from you and what it means to truly love someone to ever forget entirely, but it’s time to let our brief chapter together in this life finally turn it’s last page.

“When people walk away from you, let them go.  Your destiny is never tied to someone who leaves you.  And it doesn’t make them bad people, it just means that their part in your story is over.”

I really do love you.  I love you for everything that you are, with everything that I know.  And I hope that someday when the tears come to find you, you remember that you turned your back on me.  Even long after you left, I never turned my back on you.