Tag Archives: parenting

On setting goals–

Do people actually think about what their life is going to be like? 5 years from now? 10? Do people actually make life plans and set goals? I’ve heard this all my life and yet I’ve failed to make any plans at all. I have zero expectations, except for maybe a few bad expectations. Planning is such a farce to me. I feel so unsupported and so incapable.

I just finished talking with my mom on the phone. We talk often enough, but every few months I feel so synonymously overwhelmed and underwhelmed with my life that I need to vent to her. Honestly? Trying to vent to her is just self-sabotaging, but I really have no one else.

Today’s stressor: Money. Finances. Moolah. And how I have none of it.

It all started 4 years ago. I think that I had maybe anticipated having high expectations moving to the city to attend post-secondary, but I was just going through the motions. You graduate high school, you take a year off to “find yourself”. You go to university, you meets someone special, you graduate, you get a real job, you get married, you make real money, you have a real life. I just couldn’t follow through. I wasn’t there yet. I’m not there now. And between being gay and dropping out of university, I’ve become my parent’s number 1 disappointment in life. They’ll never admit it to my face (actually that’s a lie, they’ve basically already admitted it in so many words), but I am disappointing. Even to myself.

They seem to think it’s appropriate to always, always respond to my fears about finances with an unsympathetic head tilt and a “well, you know what you have to do”. *Cough, cough* *wink, wink* *nudge, nudge* SCHOOL.

I can’t go back to school. Not now, maybe not ever. I can’t make myself pick a career or pick some courses out of a hat and just go for it. My heart will never be in it.

I tried communicating that to my mom on the phone today, and it didn’t work. It never does. I tried telling her that it’s hard for me to predict what my life will look like in 10 years, because my heart truly isn’t even invested in myself. I told her that it’s easiest for me to think I won’t be around in 10 years, because when I try to imagine what life would be like, I’m entirely disappointed.

All she had to say to me was that I’m just having a bad day and then asked if I watched last night’s episode of Big Brother.

She always does that, changes the subject. I try and confront her about it, tell her that I feel unloved and unsupported, and she says that I’ve ranted and there’s nothing else she can do about it. Then she swiftly changes the subject again before I can engage her at all. I mean yea, maybe she’s vastly under-equipped for my state of mind these past few years, but the fact that there’s just such a huge wall between my feelings and her is so utterly despairing to me. I feel like I have nobody. I feel like of all the people in the world, my own mother, I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of my feelings or embarrassed that she may not take them seriously.

Now I try and put on a brave face for a few months until I need to release, only to have my feelings rejected all over again.

I’m tired of feeling like all I have to offer people are blank stares and empty smiles and remedial laughter. I’m tired of going unnoticed for who I actually am and how I actually feel.   I’m tired of people expecting me to be somebody in their lives in 10 years, in any capacity, when I already feel like I’m so immeasurably separate. I don’t want to be here in 10 years. I’ve made my first life plan.


Learned Patience

I am very high-strung.  Very.

And having kittens has really brought out the worst in me in that regard.  I grew up with the most well-behaved dog–I had no idea what I was getting into when I got my girls!!

My one girl in particular, Elly.  She hasn’t been herself for a few months now, and it has caused me more stress than anything.  And in the midst of it all, I’ve really learned how to be patient with her.

Elly has always been the worst for knocking over my water glass.  And even though my other cat is a pain in the ass when it comes to knocking over lamps, spilled water just always ruffled my feathers so much more.  Wasted paper towel, water in my laptop and on other electronics, the way she’d run away with her tail held high and her head held higher.  It drove me absolutely mad.  I would just get so angry with her, and both she and I would always be upset after.  I don’t like screaming anymore than she likes being screamed at, I’m sure.

Since she’s become sick, I have learned to become so patient with her.  When she first lost interest in eating, being with her and encouraging her to eat was a really trying experience.  But since she was so sick, I knew I couldn’t get mad at her no matter how frustrated I was, because she needed to eat and that had to be my main focus.

Over time, patience really became something learned between her and I.  I feel so much more bonded to her now.  Having feared losing her every day for so long has really pulled me out of my depression and made me appreciate her for the loving girl she has been to me.  I have consistently failed to recognize that I got my cats because I was lonely, yet I haven’t even let them fill that void since I brought them home.  I spent so much time becoming frustrated for spilled water and broken possessions, that I never let myself enjoy the experience of kittenhood.  And even though they are almost 2 now, I know that Elly being sick has taught me incredible patience and resilience for a happy and healthy future shared between the three of us.

I am so happy to have these girls in my life.  And even though I’ve been all too consumed in trying to make them feel better, I am grateful for the opportunity to have learned this patience as a means of bringing love and happiness into my home instead of anger and continued loneliness.