Tag Archives: rejection

Come what may, these fears do stay.

I am afraid.  In a sense I have always been afraid–of where I will end up in life, of whether or not I will be alone, of what I kind of person I will become.  But my biggest fear in life lately has been learning to accomodate myself in your absence.  It’s a nightmare.

As time exceeds old limits of our last encounter, I grow wearier every day.  I miss you, and long to tell you so.  It’s a challenge to crawl into bed at night and feel anything but empty.  I still cry for you.

I never understand what admitting these kind of things ever does for me.  I never know how to deny you.  I feel like I am forever holding onto you when I am someone you let go of a long time ago now.  You don’t even try and keep in touch on a friend basis anymore, and so I am happy that you don’t feel as burdened and consumed as I do.  I am glad you are making something of your life.

It’s not like my life doesn’t look any differently than the last time we met.  I know that I am growing too, inspite of everything.  But it is a stinted growth.  It is growth that is inhibited by fears of leaving the viability of us behind me.  Even after all that has happened, I am still afraid to leave you behind.

You would maybe find this quandary of mine to be funny.  Sad maybe.  Unneccessary.  But I don’t mind.  I am obliged to consider your place in my heart every day, and it is a task I have never relented.  I once considered you to be a reflection of myself–a soul that found answers where I could not, and fell limp where I stood taut.  That has never changed.

I have not forgotten our intricate dynamic.  The way we were never with a stranger in the company of one another.  You were a leader and a bit of an egoist–you shared yourself and I indulged.  It was as if I were designed to love your every whim and make it into my own.  To follow your direction but herald new meaning and breathe life into independant thoughts and shared memories.

And so as it currently stands, it is my understanding that I was born into this world to be that person for you.  I am here to be your other–and if you don’t feel the same for yourself, it has happened on my behalf anyways.

So I am still waiting for you.  I am afraid that I will wait for you for forever.

Winnie the Pooh

xxxxx

Dear xxxxx,

I suppose this is goodbye.  Well, maybe.  To be frank, a part of me will always be waiting for you.  I will always love you and I will always forgive you, no matter how much you have hurt me.

You see, you were much more than a boyfriend to me–you were family.  I admired you and respected you.  I fought with you, I nagged at you, I pushed you and I hurt you.  But I did it because I love you.  I did it because you were absolutely everything to me.  You were and always are at the forefront of my mind.  I am always worried for you and wondering what you’re thinking and why you do the things you do.  All I ever wanted from you was to let me be a part of your life.  That is the only thing I couldn’t accept, and rather than supporting you and always letting you know I loved you, I ended up pushing just a little too far.  It’s what I do with those I love.  I don’t always have a boundary for my feelings.

I hate not knowing.  I hate not knowing what caused this.  I hate how I feel like this is my fault–that I took the most amazing thing that ever happened in my life and turned it sour.  I hate not knowing if you’re just a terrible person for doing what you’ve done to me these past few months, or if you genuinely love me and struggle with what has happened as well.

I wish it would be the latter.  I wish you would let me work with that.  I wish you could know how much I just want to tell you I love you every night again.  How much I want to lay in your arms and get a good night’s sleep again, just to be honoured with the sight of your peaceful face in the shadows of the morning sun.  I wish you could see how much I had integrated you into my life.  How much I’ve made your memory and your love a lasting routine.  It truly destroys me knowing that I can’t live for you anymore.  I don’t get another chance to be what you really need in life.

I wonder if you anticipate how much I hurt when you tell me what you do with your new relationship.  I wonder what you think before telling me that you two haven’t connected like we have, and that you miss us.  I wonder if you realize how much I physically hurt hearing from you the very things I cry thinking about every day.  And you still love me.  You won’t go so far as to reject me entirely.  You can’t let me go but you won’t love me back.  I wonder if you know exactly how hard this is for me.  To be in a position where I myself finally need to say goodbye to you so that I can try and find new meaning in my life.

And by new meaning, I mean new purpose.  I’ve tried moving on emotionally, but I find that I simply can’t.  When I’m with another man, I feel guilty.  I see your face in them–your eyes.  I see them look back at me with that want.  And I wretch inside knowing that those were eyes you had for me.  I feel like I betray you.  And I give up.

Perhaps being in love isn’t in the books for me.  Maybe I’m not meant to talk about children and a future with someone.  Maybe I’m not supposed to have someone in my life I’m to depend on.  Maybe I’m just supposed to find my way all by myself–what a bitter realization.  I can’t do these things without you though.

I think that maybe I’m just a one-trick pony.  All the love I will ever know myself to share has already been given to you.  I will never forget my luck to have found someone in this life who I see so much of myself in–who understood me and humoured me and cared for me.  And yet, I will never forgive my misfortune of not having these same feelings returned.

Maybe this is goodbye forever.  Or maybe this is just a goodbye for you.  If moving on is truly what you want to do, then I want you to do just that.  I want you to find the person who makes you feel the way I feel about you, and I want you to be happy.  I feel like a goodbye is all I can offer you at this point… but please know that in my heart, I will never, ever, say goodbye to you.

Though I’ve been bitter and I’ve been resentful, I forgive you and I love you.  I hope you can find the strength to one day be yourself around your family and friends, and give someone that feeling of acceptance and love that I will always envy them for.

Most informal of goodbyes,

–Blue.