So I am unable to use Hulu in Canada. As such, I am unable to watch Sailor Moon every Monday starting this Monday. Brb while I kill myself.
I love him. I love him more than I could have ever even realized while I was still with him. And why? He didn’t let me.
I am so intoxicated with him. I wanted to know everything about him, and experience everything with him. I wanted, and still want, so desperately, to be a part of him in every way.
He never let me… He never let me be a part of his social circle; meet his family and friends. He never let me see things with him, or even through him. He was distant, and ruthless in keeping me a separate variable in his life. I just wanted to be his everything the way he had become mine. I just wanted to know that I was worth being someone important to him infront of the side of his life he kept from me.
I didn’t know I could ever fall so fleetingly for someone. I didn’t know that I’d come into a place where I never anticipated him ever not being in my life, and I’m so sad now.
I don’t know why I am not what he needs. I don’t know what I did. I don’t know why I am not the person he needs in his life anymore.
I really wanted everything for him, and for us. I just wanted us to be real and be in love, surrounded by the people that loved us. I just wanted to be acknowledged. All I’ve ever wanted is to just be acknowledged…
How do I move past this? How do I live my life knowing that this man has chosen to live his next to someone else? How can I bear this any longer?
How do I ever kiss another man, and see his naked body, and accept his warmth and intimacy, when I will never relent the memories of you…
Why do I love you so endlessly?
It was 12 o’clock in the morning. I didn’t have to get up early for work today, so I felt like staying up a little later and watching a movie. I’ve yet to set up Netflix on my Wii U, and my computer is a piece of garbage when it comes to loading Netflix videos, so I settled for youtube to see what I could find. I ended up coming across a one hour documentary on Social Anxiety Disorder.
It wasn’t a life changing affair, by any means. I’ve heard of it before, and was more or less aware of the inhibitions surrounding the disorder. But I’d never really considered whether or not I have it.
In all honesty, I really don’t believe I do. I am an extraordinarily adaptable person in social settings, and I’m kicking ass at Starbucks right now with positive customer service feedback, not to mention the feedback from my boss. And, lets face it, to work at Starbucks you have to be a bit of a social butterfly!
But where I’m adaptable under social situations, I also seem to be adaptable in my ability to actually be social. When I leave that store, and approach my apartment, something changes in me. Plans I’d considered with friends and co-workers become obsolete. Confidence dissolves. Smile fades.
Every day I sit in my apartment and ignore texts and phone calls. I blow off friends and I stress about my life and everything that is wrong with it right now. I know that I am sad, but do I have SAD?
My mother thinks I need to talk to a therapist. She thinks I’m depressed. She offers to pay for anything that would need to be paid for, but I just don’t want to. I don’t want to rely on pills to be happy. And even more so, I don’t want to leave the comfort of my apartment to navigate out into the city and try and find where I need to go–something I’ve found to be extremely stressful for me. And no, I don’t have agoraphobia either. Once someone finally manages to dissuade me from my dwelling, I happen to love going out and seeing new places… with someone.
Maybe this just extends from my fear of being alone. Maybe I don’t want people to see that I am all alone. Or maybe not. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I really have a problem with who I am, and as much as I want a man to accept me for me, I even more so want to accept myself.
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To LIVE for Love
Poems not to console, poems not to inspire; but poems to let you know that you are not alone with your lonely heart.
the small tales of one small life
A reluctant gamer's rants and rambles
Photographs from my world.
Live in the everyday moment.
Of illustrations and other stuff
Journeys of a baker and bookworm.
Trying Like Hell