It’s been about 4 months since my cat began to struggle with her mystery illness. She and her sister turned 2 years old last week, which at one point I was honestly fearing wouldn’t happen, and things remain as mysterious as ever.
I remember before she fell ill, I was the most upset I’ve ever been in my life. I was just in such a dark place, and when she suddenly became my priority, before even myself, I was struggling a lot. I found myself resenting her, and myself, and my life. Nothing was working out for me, and honestly I still feel as though nothing is.
But putting her first in my life has helped me in a few ways. I feel as though the final nail has been hammered into the coffin that is my ex. I’ve hardly thought of him, and when I do, it’s never really a big deal. I can play my music, and the songs that reminded me of my sorrow regarding the issue aren’t so sorrowful anymore. They are my songs again. And I find myself yearning for something better. I don’t want to succumb to this nothingness anymore. But I just feel so helpless.
I struggle a lot with my identity. I don’t know who I am and I feel as though I have nothing to offer. I don’t hang out with friends because I don’t have any. And I don’t have any because I think to myself, “what can I do to be an interesting and good friend?”
There isn’t a lot.
Even before my cat got sick, I would go to work, hate my life, come home, take a long nap, hate my life, mope and get angry at anyone who gave me the time of day, then went to bed. And now that I want something more, I still hate my work, I still am not fond of my life (though I try!), and I just feel stuck as a caretaker right now.
I’ve never had a very durable sense of responsibility. I’m exhausted caring for my cat. I am emotionally and physically drained. I have to feed her so many times a day, and each feeding is a trial. After I finally see the last mouthful go down, I feel so much relief and yet so much anxiety. It’s only a matter of hours before the next meal, or pill, or medication. I have to sleep or relax or calm my nerves somehow. I don’t have time for people or friendship or myself. I just need to be completely alone. I am very high-stress, and for her sake I have to try so hard not to show her how much she’s hurting me. I can’t have an anxiety attack. Last time I thought it was acceptable to lose my emotions in front of her, I paid for it by seeing her go through an anxiety attack herself. Screaming, hissing, immense physical discomfort. I just need to stay calm and she will too….
Sometimes I try and think about what my life might look like when and if I ever get her issues sorted out. It’s hard to picture. It’s not like I did a whole lot with my life before she got sick. But I try and contemplate what I can do differently. How I can work on my perception of what I have and what I really need. And it all just feels… endless.
I don’t think I’m suicidal. I don’t really have those kinds of thoughts very often, and when I do, they’re pretty easy to brush off. I think it’s just my subconscious self being as dramatic as my physical self. I do think I am incredibly lost though.
I’m sitting here just waiting. Waiting for my sick cat to die. Waiting for my healthy cat to die. Waiting for myself to die. It’s going to come. And I’m going to wait patiently for it to come on it’s own terms on all three counts. But it just feels like there’s nothing else going on.
Sometimes I try and think about dating again to have a chance at passing the time with a human being. I’m certainly not hung up on my ex anymore. So why not try? I am definitely still pretty damaged, is why. The thought of me being somebody’s “person” actually makes me uncomfortable. I think about who I am and what I do with my time, and I just cant imagine the kind of person who would go out of there way to spend the rest of their life with me.
I just don’t have a single thing to offer.
I mean, right now I’m actually okay with being alone anyways. But sometimes I just wish I had someone else to share my burden with. As in share my cat with. Just someone to take turns with feeding her so I can space apart my anxiety a little. Someone to come to the emergency vet with me and keep me company so I don’t fall asleep waiting in the exam room. Someone to be the strong one so I can just… cry.
I just want to cry.