Tag Archives: sex

Love as leverage

I’m sorry that I brought love into our relationship.  And I’m not being sarcastic or self-pitying.  I am truly sorry I made love a factor in your being with me.

I remember when you first said “I love you” to me.  I could tell that it wasn’t something you meant or wanted to say.  I never let myself believe it or think it out loud though, because I knew there would be too much regret on my behalf if I had.

We were spending the weekend at your house, and very late at night we decided we were ready to take our relationship to the next step.  We were intimate, or at least moving along swiftly towards breaking that boundary.  And that’s when I doubted myself and made the biggest mistake of my life.  I told you that I’m not sure we should continue if we do not love each other.  You would have been my first, and having love tied to that was important to me.

I remember that you were very off-put.  A little startled that I’d interrupted what we were doing to bring up such a dangerous subject.  You jokingly said you “lub” me, or you “luff” me, but my innocence was prudent.  I know that you reluctantly said you “love” me just so you could be with me in that moment.  You knew it, I knew it, but we never talked about it.  I am sorry for that.  I should have either went for it or stood firm.  I shouldn’t have been coy and encouraged you to say those three words before I would participate in something I initiated in the first place.

I seduced you that night.  I seduced you into your bed, into my heart, and into my fantasy.  And ultimately I’m paying the price because of it.

I know you never loved me.  It was so silly of me to build such a mountain from your morsel.

In the end though, I do hope you know and accept that I truly loved you.  Because all of my nonsense aside, you too had the power to spare me this painful reality.  This truth I’ve come to live by where love is used as leverage, and unrequited thusly.

Mochi and men.

Today, for the first time ever, I had mochi.  It was bliss.

It’s been a dream of mine to try some since before I can even remember, and today my friend and I went to a sushi place and tried some for dessert.  She didn’t care much for the soft glutinous coating, but I loved it!  We each had one chocolate and one green tea mochi–my favourite easily being the green tea one.

Anyways, I just don’t think I’ve ever been so wholly satisfied by something in my life, so I just thought I’d share this news!!

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And to take this post in a completely different direction–

Does anyone else feel that young men are just stupid?  Unconcerned, uninhibited, raving morons?

Maybe I’m a little bitter, but when I think about sexuality, and I think about my wants and desires, I just can’t even possibly imagine putting them before the feelings of another.  Feelings that would inevitably get in the way and be hurt.  How can one be so selfish?

I guess I just don’t understand “getting laid” as being a motivation.  Sex is a commitment.  It’s an expression.  It’s a feeling.  It shouldn’t be about objectives, it should be about giving someone you care deeply for a place in the world where a beautiful and intimate human connection can be made.  Sex should be selfless.

At what point does a man figure that it’s alright to use this for personal gain?  Why does he figure that it’s okay to take what he wants rather than become a part of what is being offered?

I don’t know.  I’m disgusted.  I was used, whether feelings had become involved or not.  Sex and love cannot work in opposition as they did in my relationship, and it sickens me that he knew our motivations were different all along.

Wherever you are, and if you ever read this, I truly hope you come to feel like the piece of shit that you are.

Sunday, July 29th

I made a mistake last night.  I messaged you.  More importantly, I made myself vulnerable to you again.  I’m so stupid.

But it’s too late to have regrets now, what’s done is done.  So in the event I never hear from you again, this is for you:

What went wrong?  A week before you left me you were telling me how you’d love to come visit me while I’m away, and telling me every night that you love me.
How did that change?
I just don’t get it.  I know we had our issues, but we never went to bed mad at eachother (you would never even let it happen), and we always resolved everything.  At least my worries and concerns were always resolved.

Do you remember the day a few months ago, when we were arguing about I don’t even know what?  You insulted me on something in regards to me still being dependent on my mother for some things, and then I got mad and stopped replying.  Do you remember texting me until I would agree to let you come over so we could set things right?  Do you remember standing in the elevator, for 11 floors, and making everything better before we reached the top?
I remember seeing how upset you were in your eyes.  I remember recognizing how stupid we’d both been and how much you must have cared about me to be standing there, reaching for my hand, crying.

Do you remember all the nights I cried, never knowing where we stood and if you really loved me?  Do you remember all the times I felt insecure because you wouldn’t let me into your life?  Do you remember noticing every time I was upset with you, and pleading for me to help you understand why I am upset?
Do you remember our long late nights crying together because we were having such a hard time figuring things out?  You would be so upset that I couldn’t find any confidence in what you were offering, or how you were treating me, and you would say you feel like shit, or like a terrible boyfriend.  Do you remember crying?
I remember seeing how distraught you were.  I remember watching you from behind as you wipe your tears and blow your nose and blubber like a lovesick puppy.  I remember reaching for you and laying my hands on you and telling you how confused I am in my feelings for you, but reassuring you that they were there, and feeling so happy that you could cry for me.

Do you remember when I would ask you about your family.  How I would tell you how scared I am that you can just up and leave me someday, and have no responsibility to me to explain what had happened? Do you remember how vulnerable I felt knowing how little consequence I was in your life, regardless of how much you said that wasn’t true?
Do you remember how we got to where we are right in this moment?
Do you see how betrayed and inconsequent I feel?

I remember everything.  I look back and see every fight, and every happy moment, and every insecure moment.  I remember always looking at you and wondering how someone who complemented my life so perfectly insisted on remaining so disconnected from me.  I remember having regrets, and having fears, and wondering what kind of person you might have truly been.  But I also remember you’re warmth.  I remember kissing you and forgetting everything.  I remember feeling weak in your arms and in your embrace, and pulling myself away from your lips to see a face that reflected how I imagined my own.  Eyes closed, softened face, a euphoric expression.
“The face” I would call it.  I remember how happy I was to see that face everytime, knowing that when we share a kiss and hold eachother, every fear and insecurity is quelled.

And I look at where we are now.  And I know that we are no longer together, and I know that you have moved on, and I can’t help but feel sick at the thought that it was all a lie.

I trusted you during our relationship.  I didn’t always trust what you were doing, but I always tried trusting what you were saying and I gave you everything I had to offer to prove that.  I gave you myself, in ways much more intimate than sex.
I gave you a look into myself.  I gave you my thoughts and opinions and insecurities and worries.  I gave you every definition of myself, and shared every grievous and every joyous moment with you.
I told you that I didn’t trust you, but I always had faith in you.

Did you use it?  Did you exploit it?
Why did we have 5 months together as a couple who loved eachother only to one day wake up to find you’ve been “thinking about me”, you “aren’t coming to visit me at home” anymore, and inevitably you are “breaking up with me” after I finally ask you what’s going on.
How did it come to that?  What clicked all of a sudden for you to do this, when only a day before we exchanged I love yous and went to bed knowing we had someone else to live and love for?

I hate assuming things.  I hate pretending I know your reasoning behind things.  But you never give me anything, and that’s where my mind goes to find answers that you refuse to share.  And these are my thoughts.

Within two weeks after leaving me, though you had promised me that you were not going to go looking for anyone right away, and that you were not interested in dating for a long time, you were seeing someone new.  Why did you lie to me?  Why did you go back on your word so quick, and make me feel like my whole existence only bore two weeks worth of impact on you?

Why did you lie to me for so long?  And for how long?  You told me when you left me that you’ve been unsure about us for a long time, and I want to know since when.  I need to hear how long you’ve been taking advantage of me.

Tell me why all of this happened.  Tell me how you could use me for so long and hurt me so deep in the end and not give me any explanation aside from “I just don’t like you anymore”.

My emotions this past month have been all across the board.  I’ve felt bitter, I’ve felt anger, I’ve hated you, but I’ve also felt guilty, and felt sorry for you, and felt like I’ve let you down.

How could you leave me–someone so enthralled in your life and concerned about you at every turn–with no answers.  How do you go to sleep at night knowing the pain you’ve caused me and sleepless nights you’ve given me?

I just want answers.  I want closure.  You failed to acknowledge my feelings when you had said that you loved me, the least you can do is acknowledge them this one time, and tell me what I’ve really been to you and how that relates to the way I’ve been left.