Tag Archives: video games

Dear Diary,

I saw on t.v. or a movie (or some kind of media) recently that someone had the ambition of exchanging journals with another someone they liked.  Which made me think of the Nintendo series “Harvest Moon” where, at least in some titles, you have to read your love interest’s journal to get a vibe of where they’re at in your budding romance.  Which made me wish I were keeping a journal or a diary of sorts in the event of cute guys.

I mean, I suppose this whole blog is more or less a journal.  It’s all about my feelings, after all.  But everything here is so depressing.  If I had a prospective love interest, this blog is where I would send him before I make nookie with him and then eat him alive like a black widow, baby.

This place is sad.  And repetitive.  Endlessly so.

I hate feeling so invalid.  What I have to say isn’t important to anyone.  It’s unimportant to even myself.  So much so that I oft times have nothing to say at all.

Being younger was so much easier.  I miss high school a lot these days.  Sure, I felt I was depressed in high school too, but there was so much more going on then.  So much more to look forward to and to have feelings about.  Dinner at the café and then movies or video games with a couple friends on Thursdays.  Procrastinating homework to the bitter end on Sunday.  (Hey, it made dicking around on my own feel a lot more productive than it ever does these days).  Even school itself made things feel more acceptable.

School was an ego boost.  Teachers loved me.  Getting good grades gave me purpose.  There were tons of people my age at my disposal for friendship or comradery. Other people who were feeling low.  Other people who were feeling rebellious.  Other people who were feeling studious.  Other people who were feeling mediocre.  Other people digging art, or video games, or anything under the sun.  There was always someone for me to relate myself too.  I miss that.

If I were keeping a day to day journal in present time, and I shared it with someone I valued, it would go something like this:

“Deary Diary,

Today was pretty average.  I showered last night so I could sleep in a little extra this morning.  It wasn’t especially helpful though because I stayed up late waiting for my hair to dry.  I guess either way I got my standard 6 hours…

I watched a few more episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood before work as well.  It was good, but I had trouble focusing.  Then I was almost made late for work trying to decide which method for hiding my chest would be best today.  I ended up just wearing my baggiest hoodie over top of a tank top. Thank goodness for winter!

Work was okay.  I had a lot of trouble today and asked a lot of questions.  Even though I’m still pretty new, no one I work with has any patience with me at all. Everyone is very aggressive and the way they answer my questions makes me feel lesser of myself every time I ask… I don’t like these people, and even though I do like this job, I don’t know how long I can put up with the same few people everyday who have nothing in common with me. I spend my breaks in the bathroom stall just to escape the noise and the hostility.

The walk home after work was nice, however. It was very cold, and I wore my really short ankle socks. My scarf kept my face warm but I loved how cold my feet were. Sometimes I feel like the cold biting at my feet as I walk home is the only sensational part of my day. Everything else is forgettable.

The cats ate good for me when I got home, thankfully! Not a day goes by that I don’t worry about them getting sick again. I rinsed their bowls and kissed their noses before deciding to eat dinner myself. As usual, I really don’t have much to eat so I settled for baked perogies again.

I thought I would try and pick up A Link to the Past after dinner, because I really just want to beat it and move on to A Link Between Worlds, but I didn’t have the motivation. I watched some recordings from last night instead and accidentally fell asleep. Luckily, the girls woke me up when it was time to feed them again, so I did just that and then crawled in to bed.

I thought about crying tonight, but I just didn’t feel like I had it in me. Maybe tomorrow night will be a better night for it, since I won’t have to be up early for work the next morning.

Until then,

Blue”

And the saddest part of all of this? I don’t have any love interests. I don’t know anybody. There’s no boy in my Science class who sits next to me so I can do his homework in exchange for subtely smelling his beautiful being. And there’s no homeroom teacher from the house down the street to crush on and pretend he has a vested interest in my life when in reality its just his job to keep track of me and the other kids appointed to him.

It’s just me. I don’t even know any boys. What are those anyways?

Dear Diary, help me.

Pokemon Eternal

So the remakes for Pokémon Ruby & Sapphire were announced a few days ago.  Honestly, even though I love Pokémon to death, if I had to rank the generations of games, these two would probably be my least favourite overall.  Funny, because this generation is probably the one I invested the most hours into!!

I was the Sapphire to my brother’s Ruby.  We got the games the day they came out, I’m sure, and spent endless nights sneaking into each other’s rooms to play way past our bed times, as we did with every generation before it!

I honestly loved the games just like any other, I just personally hate cave-trolling and surfing more than anything in the world, and this game happened to have a lot of surfing.  Something about not being able to avoid encounters in caves and water drove me absolutely mad, even as a kid.  At least I can say to myself “okay, I’m going into the grass now, shit’s bound to happen”.  And better yet, if I ran through a whole patch of grass and didn’t have even one encounter, I’d almost crap myself with joy.  But in the caves and on the water?  There is no sanctuary!!

Anyways, I’m genuinely excited for these remakes.  I think certain aspects of this region (well, any region really) will benefit tremendously from 3D.  The hidden fortresses and that big ass coliseum like town where you meet Groudon/Kyogre would be amazeballs in 3D, off the top of my head.

I think that Pokémon and reality have made great strides at becoming one in the same in the past ~2 decades.  I hope that someday I can immerse myself virtually into the Pokémon world.  I’ve always wanted to explore Kanto more than anything.  I spent so many years playing Pokémon Blue and my Pokémon Master Trainer board game, I feel like I would know Kanto in it’s entirety more than I know my own city!

Until that day, I hope that Nintendo releases a minimum of one Pokémon game duo per year.  Be it a new generation, or a remake of an old one, I will always, always be satisfied.

I keep good company.

I’ve spent a lot of the past 2 years worrying about how alone I am, and how alone I fear I will forever be.  It has debilitated me, it has depressed me, and it has isolated me.

A couple months ago, one of my precious cats starting behaving differently, and fell ill a few weeks ago.  And then a few days ago, her sister decided to try and pass a piece of rubber she ate months earlier and needed emergency surgery.

Between the two of them being out of commission, I feel more isolated than ever.  And my responsibilities and stress have increased ten fold!  And I’d just like to put into words the ways I’ve misunderstood my life over the past couple years.

1)  For as long as I have lived, I have relied on nostalgia to reawaken happy feelings and warm memories within me.  I become revitalized and happy and capable of making new memories to satiate future nostalgia cravings.

2)  For as long as I’ve been single, I have considered myself to be “alone”.

3)  For as long as I’ve been single, I have avoided embracing any happy memories, and instead have focused on constantly feeling as though everything I did would be more thoroughly enjoyed in the company of another.

I got cats because I was lonely.  And I haven’t been appreciating them for their intended value, or their ultimate role in my life since I brought them into my home.

I am in a relationship with my cats.

Since they have become sick, I have been feeling nostalgia.  I have been thinking of last spring when I replayed Twilight Princess and stopped to take videos of my cats curiously observing the t.v. screen or going places they shouldn’t and sassing me when I tell them to scram.  Not to mention the sounds they make that sound eerily like the Twilight Realm monsters.

I have been thinking of last summer when we played Animal Crossing for weeks on end.  When they would bat at my 3DS cord or take naps on or around me and immobilize my arms by resting their little faces on them.

I have been thinking of last fall when I binged on “Avatar: The Last Airbender” and “Digimon” on Netflix.  I remember having one kitty come running every time I kicked the covers over my feet so she could burrow deep down into the warmth of my blankets.  And I remember having the other kitty do anything and everything to escape whenever I tried to hoard her in our blankey nest.

I remember playing Paper Mario 64, GC, and Wii versions in a row just before Christmas.  I remember my Wii breaking about halfway through the GC version, so I had to go play it on the gamecube in my room.  I remember letting the girls into my room, normally a kitty-free zone, because I was lonely without them and felt bad knowing they were sitting at the door waiting for me to come out.

I remember playing Wind Waker HD and taking breaks to make tea.  And of course I remember my cats urgently running to supervise me, as they must know I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to tea!

My life is so incredibly mundane.  But I’m sharing that with two special little fur babies.  They are the company I seek.  They are the one’s who have sat by me, chirped with me, played at my feet (and with my feet!), and ultimately been the one’s to share all of my nostalgia with as of late.

I keep the best company.  I can’t wait for my babies to feel better so we can play more video games, take more videos, and make new and happy memories.

I don’t need a boyfriend.  I honestly don’t even want one.

Next on my to do list?  Force feed my brain Pokémon on Netflix while baking cookies with my cats.

The King of Red Lions’ Pride

“If only I could do things over again…  Not a day of my life has gone by without my thoughts turning to my kingdom of old.  I have lived bound to Hyrule.  In that sense, I was the same as Ganondorf.  But you… I want you to live for the future.  There may be nothing left for you… but despite that, you must look forward and walk a path of hope, trusting that it will sustain you when darkness comes.

Farewell.  This is the only world that your ancestors were able to leave you.  Please… forgive us.”

“W-wait!  You could… you could come with us!  Yes of course..  We have a ship!  We can find it.  We WILL find it!  The land that will be the next Hyrule!  So…”

“Ah, but child… That land will not be Hyrule.  It will be YOUR land!”

I remember not being very interested in Wind Waker at first.  You tried encouraging me to play it, but I was more content with my head in your lap looking up at the flickering of the t.v. reflect across your eyes.  Your room was dark and cold, but you weren’t.  I wasn’t.

When you left me, I reflected on a lot of my memories of you (if not all of them!), and I knew that someday I would play Wind Waker for myself.  I would finish something we started, something you wanted me to enjoy the way you had enjoyed years earlier.  The way you recanted the final boss battle with Ganondorf was enough to at least make me Google Image the magnificient sword embedded between the savage’s eyes.

He was turned to stone and drowned with the world he once envied.  His ideals, lost to the winds and forgone by virtues of wisdom and courage. And though Ganondorf perished with the world he fought to change, it is the King of Hyrule’s words quoted in the opening narrative.  It is the King that yearns to sleep with the Hylian canon, and insists that the children of the Triforce achieve what Ganondorf could not.

I played Wind Waker, xxxxx.  Just like you wanted me to.  I played it all the way through, and even sought after sidequests, which you know I was never partial to.

I played Wind Waker and now I ask of you, is it possible that I have been dying with our kingdom, per se?  Am I fading with my memories?

Though likely flourishing in your own reality, our world has been torn asunder; our paths diverged.  In my reality, you have drowned at the mercy of a sea of change, ceasing to ease breath into my tempest of regret and yearning.  You have perished, but I still stand helpless amidst the waves.

Is it my dying wish to be lost with our memory?  Do I desire to be a martyr unto new horizons?

I beat Wind Waker for us, xxxxx.  And though you may think it silly to draw such worldly comparison, I have accomplished something that I thought were as lofty a dream as the King of Red Lion’s pride, itself.  I have found a word within myself that simply says “no” to the question I asked of you earlier.

No, I have not faded with my memories.  “I have scattered the seeds of the future…”

The King of Hyrule's spirit-imbued boat used to traverse the seas of change and contemplate what they bring.

The King of Hyrule’s spirit-imbued boat used to traverse the seas above his kingdom and ferry the one with the winds of courage.

“Valentine’s is serious times”

So today was Valentine’s Day.  Though by the time I’m finished posting this, it will likely be the 15th.  Whatever.

So today was Valentine’s Day.  It’s been a long day.  And not because of the day.  It wasn’t a Hallmark-inspired depression.  Being alive just happened to be an inconveniece for other reasons.

This morning started off like a good day.  I got up super early, before even the sun rose.  I did all my dishes and got to enjoy a peaceful morning playing video games.  Around 10 I decided to make pancakes and use up my leftover chocolate chips.  A Valentine’s Day treat–or maybe just an I-finally-get-a-day-off-work treat.  And it just overwhelmed me, the familiarity of it all.  From the moment I pulled my electric frying pan out from under the oven, listening to the background tune of my video game still melodically humming about, I just couldn’t regret my choices this morning any more.

I used to cuddle up next to him in the mornings.  He would play Zelda and I would watch diligently and snuggle him or kiss his shoulder or cheek whenever he kicked ass.  The morning sun would not have wrapped around the living room windows yet, so the blinds would be opened and the room would be serenaded in that dewy morning glory light of spring that all but vanishes come summer.  I would look up into his eyes and ask him if he wanted pancakes, to which his response was always a wide-eyed, silly-faced grin of a yes.

And it was when I pulled out the frying pan and I heard the music playing in the background that I was taken back to those days.  The days he would groan and whine and say he’s hungry and can’t wait for me to be finished.  The days our bellies would be filled and we’d play Zelda in our underwear and I would cook and clean for the man I loved.

And then I was called into work on my day off.  Only rather than feeling pleasantly plump and settled into my boyfriends arms, I felt bloated and painfully nostalgic and had little ambition to go in.  Oh well.

Life didn’t really hurt until this evening though.  I was trying to go to bed early, and I had the “likes” playlist on youtube going as I busied myself with my night time chores.  At some point, this song came on–

It’s a compilation of Fry’s holophoner symphonies he plays throughout the show “Futurama”.  My ex and I were reminiscing about the episode where Fry gives up his hands to the devil in order to acquire the devil’s robotic hands so he can play Leela a beautiful song, only as it turns out, Leela has gone deaf and cannot hear his performance.  The last 22 seconds of this video destroy me.  Just absolutely bring me to my knees in tears.  Leela trades her deaf ears away for the devil’s ears, but Fry trades back the devil’s hands so Leela wouldn’t have to give the devil her hand [in marriage], and so this is the best Fry can manage to play for Leela now that she can hear.

There’s something about those 22 seconds that seem to be a summation of my entire year last year.  There’s a feeling of resignation that is evoked, despite all the beautiful memories that live within me every day.  I feel as though my memories play like a holophoner–something I see intimately amidst the sounds of my heart.  And I just can’t bear to remember that this was a video I “liked” the very day he and I recalled it together.  I can’t control myself when I hear those short 22 seconds reflect on our short 5 months together.

Both our love and this song seem to have lasted a lifetime in their moment, and yet every second, hour, and day since is burdened with the memory as though it happened only yesterday.

The things that make me happy.

Last night was not a good night.  Of the 26 ounces of cherry vodka in my cupboard, I drank about 18-20 of them.  In about an hour’s time.  And that just wasn’t a smart thing to do, especially for someone so new to drinking.  Apart from my killer headache and my feeling like puking all day, I’m feeling a lot better tonight.

Hah.  No I’m not.

So, tonight I remember the things that make me happy–the things I need to rediscover in my life.

I’d like to start off by saying I’m presently nourishing my lonliness with eggnog and cheesecake.  These are things I love!  But boy are they making me feel repulsive.

If I’d only had more time to myself tonight, next on my to-do list would be to push my couches together in front of the tv.  The “boat”, we would call it when we were little.  I would get my kittens settled in the boat, and I would turn on some Harvest Moon.  A Wonderful Life is my absolute favourite, and I’ve been meaning to replay it, or at least finish the file I started some 6, 7, 8 years ago.  But I also love my Animal Parade!!

Why I love Harvest Moon:

There is always happy music playing.  Always.  And I can marry the cutest guy and have him say sweet nothings to me every morning, even though it gets a little redundant.  But hey, redundancy is bliss!  Oh, and I get to whistle along to all the pretty melodies as I love and care for my children, crops, and animals.  Who needs Zoloft when you have Harvest Moon!

After logging a few hours on Harvest Moon, I would then proceed to putting in my favourite movie or watching something on Netflix as I doodle or colour or something.  I love the quiet evenings in, colouring by lamp light!  So much pleasure is to be had!

Why I love drawing/colouring:

I’m very much into observing the progression of things.  I love to see what old people looked like when they were young.  I love to anticipate what young people will look like when they are old.  I like to reflect on how dirty my apartment was before cleaning it.  I like to close my book at random intervals and see how far along my bookmark has moved.  I like to watch my piece of paper flourish in lines and colours.  Progression makes me happy.

Next on the list, I would turn on some 2NE1 and break out into random dance at my favourite songs whilst preparing for bed.  I am the Best, Follow Me, I Love You–any and all of them!

Why I love dancing:

Believe it or not, it is not an artistic expression, (all my artisitic capabilities are invested in my drawing–a.k.a. holy mother I’m a bad dancer) but rather a form of… exercise?  I love the look and feel of my fatigued muscles.  I feel great about myself after dancing around to awesome music.

And alas, I finally curl up in the boat with my kittens and fall asleep to Sailor Moon.  Maybe my girls will be so tuckered out themselves at this point that they’ll actually let me snuggle them against my chest.

Why I love Sailor Moon:

This show is so endlessly uplifting.  It always reminds me what it means to be a good person–and a strong person–no matter what the circumstances are.  It makes me remember my past (nostalgia!!) and it makes me feel better about my present.  Heck, maybe it even makes me hope for my future.

And these are things that make me happy.  Who the hell even needs friends!