Tag Archives: waiting

Thursday, June 21st

xxxxx,

I have spent the last 5 months with you.  Quite the empty statement, right?  Maybe so.  But we both know that my interpretation of our relationship and our time together has at times lacked in clarity.  What I can say, despite everything—my issues with trust, our subsequent squabbles, the difficulty it takes for me to decipher which of my feelings I should bring to you and which are just me being oversensitive—I truly believe I have fallen for you along the way.  Being here now, knowing that we’re not together… well I just feel broken.  And so confused, more so than anything.  I feel like I’ve just been coming into a safer place with you, and out of nowhere you’re gone.  I really didn’t have any warning; I didn’t get the same courtesy you expected from me.  You told me that whenever I’m unsure, whenever I feel hurt or upset, I need to tell you so we can work it out.  Why didn’t I get to know you were hurting, and stressed, and unsure?  Why didn’t I get the opportunity to tell you that, yes, while I do push the idea of you telling your family, I’m not in a place yet where I can’t find common ground with you.  I was okay with waiting with you.

Take a look at my life.  Before you, I never really went anywhere.  I’m comfortable being cooped up.  I was happy, variably at worst.  I was happy laying with you, watching movies, letting you show me shows you liked, and just talking about anything.  I know I’ve been upset by you.  I know that I did expect to be able to find more from a relationship than what I do on my own time.  I know that I’d been a miserable fool in making you feel like you owed me anything more than you could offer.  But if we’d just talked and found clarity, if I’d known how much damage I’d done, in a heartbeat I know that having you in my life means infinitely more than having your family and friends in my life.  I would have been prepared to make every effort to back off.

That being said, that effort on my half would have needed to be accompanied by effort on your half too.  An effort that would entail you realizing that trust may not come easy from someone in my position, and making accommodations thusly.  A relationship takes effort.  Especially a relationship like ours.  As of recent, I guess I’ve learned that maybe you’re not prepared to make that effort.  Or maybe I misunderstood that.  The purpose of me writing this letter is for me to make sense of where I’m at and try really hard to not put words in your mouth.

I guess what I need from you, if not a loving companion, is honest answers.  I really, truly need to know where your head is at—no secrets.  I need to know if you really love me, and if you really intend to just “sort your life out and find a place where you can be someone I deserve”, as you put it.  Conversely, I need to know if that was bullshit.  I’m not accusing you, I’m just making sure one final time that you’re sure about how you feel, and that those feelings were the ones relayed to me the other night.  You left me so confused.  I don’t know what we are right now.  You say you truly love me and you hope to be with me again when you’re ready, but as simple as that sounds, I have no idea what that means.  Are we “broken up”?  Are we “on a break”?  And do either of those make the difference of continued loyalty and commitment between us despite the circumstances?  Or does it mean, given the opportunity, you will date other men or women?  This is something I seriously need to know, and I need you to know that no matter what emotion I attach to either answer, the truth is the answer that’s best for me, and you know it, and you know I deserve it.

Regardless, I do want you to remember that I love you, enough so that I will try and wait for you until you’re ready for whatever it is you’re searching for in this decision.  With this promise also comes the expectation that I’m not waiting on something you never meant in the first place.  Again, I am not accusing you.  But if you want to wait for me too, tell me.  If you have no intention to, by gosh tell me so I can pick myself up and move on.  And most importantly, if you don’t know, let me now.  Because if you don’t know whether you love me or want to be with me, I would hope you at least take this time apart from me, and take it without the accompaniment of new relationships.  Take your time if you’re not sure, and figure out if I’m someone you want to take a chance with before you blow your chance with me.

And finally, know that I can’t wait around forever.  It was one thing to wait for you while you were with me, but I can only wait for you for so long while apart.  If everything you’ve told me is true—that you love me, still want to be my lover, and still want to be with me as we were someday—than I can try striving for friendship with you in the meantime, given you truly don’t want me out of your life.  But I just need so many answers from you, and I truly hope you respect me enough to give me the real answers, regardless of any fears you have of hurting me.

I don’t know where to go from here, I suppose it’s your turn.  No matter how this ends up, even if I may be upset in the moment, I’m writing in perfect clarity right now that I love you and hope the best for you in everything in life.  And I really do hope you can own up to your feelings and strive for an open and honest relationship with your family and friends someday; maybe then you can find the trust you seek from a relationship.

I love you and appreciate your giving me this opportunity and your complete honesty;

-Blue

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